Update...(sad and good)

At 6:45 pm last night Baby Anna Joy joined Jacob in heaven. She started having uncontrollable seizures and her right lung was still collapsed. Her parents had to make the decision after being informed medically speaking there was nothing left for them to do and they didn't think she would ever survive. Please lift up her parents, Matt and Alissa, in prayer.

How my heart breaks for any parent that ever has to decide to take their child off of life support. While a part of me is jealous because that does mean they can hold their child one last time and love on them, they still have to choose that. I am glad we didn't have to make that decision with Jacob, because I'm not sure I could have. I am jealous that we didn't get to hold him again. The last time I held him, I was running into the ER with him in my arms. We didn't get to say goodbye. We didn't get to tell him one last time how much we loved him, how much he meant to us, and that we would miss him more than words could ever say. I didn't get to kiss him goodbye. The way he died and how fast he died took so much away from me. It kills me a little on the inside that I didn't get to hold him when he was born (I had a c-section for those you who didn't know) and I didn't hold him till he was 5 hours old and than I didn't even get to hold him nor be in the room when he left my world.

So okay lets get back to some stuff that will make the tears dry up that I have running down my face..
For 12 hours my friend Theresa and I, baked, baked, and baked cookies...536 to be exact. The kids decorated them all. We used a homemade cookie dough recipes and made homemade frosting. We did it for about 4 hours yesterday and 8 hours today. One oven, 5 cookies sheets, tons of flour, sugar, vanilla extract, crisco, butter, milk, and eggs-- our backs were killing us from bending over to get things into and out of the oven. We are donating 150 cookies to the 30 students at Rob's command that are staying here for Christmas and the rest we are donating to the chapel as they are collecting them to give to airmen that are staying here as well. They need 1500 cookies. We cooked and are donating a little over 1/5 of the cookies they need. We had fun though..but I'll be good if I don't make another cookie for a year.

Caleb is now starting to talk. It's quite cute. He says "datty" (for daddy) and he can "mommy". He has about a 50 word vocabulary now. He is also starting to say some sentences.. "get this" "my puppy", "me bite" and you should hear him say "hey" its so darn cute!!

Samuel is as active as ever and is as smart as a whip. He loves learning about wars and is really into WWII. My dad will be so impressed when we see him in March with Samuel's knowledge of military history. It is hard to believe that Samuel is only 7 years old. You may have noticed me writing Samuel instead of Sammy. Well a few months ago Samuel informed us he no longer wanted to be called Sammy, he wanted to be called by his name..Samuel. So there it is.

Silas is something else. He is so into bull riding and being a "ride 'em cowboy". He wants to be one when he is an "dult" (adult). He loves to push him limits with us and oh you should see his temper tantrums..you'd better get out of the way when he's throwing one. He is doing well in school. First couple of months was a big adjustment though. You wanna know something crazy about the schools here..Silas is doing stuff in pre-k 4 that Samuel was doing in kindergarten and 1st grade in California. He is learning to sight read (next year he'll start learning how to read phonetically), he is learning how to do patterns, he is writing his name, knows almost all of the shapes, can count to 20 (at the end of kindergarten in San Diego they had to know how to count to 25, here they have to count to 30 by the end of pre-k 4).

I am totally blessed with my boys!! love them all to pieces and than some!

After 8 years

I used to think and believe that as time goes on, I wouldn't hurt so much for Jacob. But that last two years have truly made believe that no amount of time is gonna change how much I miss him, hurt that he is gone, and it doesn't change the amount of tears that I still shed. Today was especially true, when I found myself on my knees in my bathroom crying hysterically, crying out to the Lord. I know my God has a plan for my life and Jacob was/is a part of His plan as well, I sometimes wish I knew his plan and what Jacob's part was in it. I just miss that baby so much and wonder what he would like now ..he'd be almost 9 years old..gosh would he love legos like Samuel, would he be into all the cowboy stuff like Silas, would he be into sports, music, or chess. I sometimes feel bad for Samuel, who knows way to much about death than a 7 year old should..how he really feels about Jacob. Lately everywhere we go when someone always says "oh 3 boys you must have your hands full" (which by the way I am always told", Samuel says "no there's 4 boys, one is 8, but he's in heaven" and points up with his finger. I wonder if he's sad that his big brother isn't here. He wasn't born when Jacob died...but gosh Samuel is just different. Samuel never met Jacob, but he still has this bond with him. He talks about him, when he was little he used to talk to him. He asks questions all the time about him. It is something that makes me happy to know though..one day when Rob and I are gone, we know that Samuel will continue to keep Jacob's memory alive. Makes me one proud mama!

On to something so very important...there is this baby girl that I heard about through a friend of mine. My friend just happens to be best friends with this baby's aunt. This baby's name is Anna Joy. She is a week old and right now she is fighting for her life. She was born with a very serious heart defect and lung issues. She is on the ECMO machine right now. Her heart isn't beating on its own nor is she breathing on her own. The ECMO machine is doing both. She has already been through open heart surgery and a catherization surgery. Her little bitty chest is still open, so the doctors can get to it quickly if they need to. She needs prayers and she needs them now. Tomorrow they are going to take her off the ECMO to see if her lungs will work. You see they aren't sure whats wrong with the veins leaving her lungs. They aren't moving oxygenated blood out and therefore her lungs are filling up with fluid. Please pray that the last couple of days of rest she has had would have allowed her veins and lungs to get stronger. This baby needs the Lord's hand to touch her and heal her. Nothing short of that will save her. You all just read up above about how my heart is still broken, I don't ever want her mom to know this pain. I don't want any mom to ever know this pain. Please pray for Anna Joy! You can follow her parents blog about her at www.babyannajoy.blogspot.com

christmas is upon us!

I can't believe Christmas is just 10 days away..so much to still do..aghhhh! It's been a crazy week! This was my first week out of school and I had a mile long list of things to do this week and with one diaper change everything changed. Caleb has been having some issues when crying when he goes pee and some seriously strong ammonia smelling diapers. So last week we were concerned and saw a doctor about it. They did a urinalysis on it. The next day we received a call back saying it was all normal, except it was very concentrated and that we should pump more water into him, only water and milk and they would talk to us more at his well baby appt this week (its tomorrow). So we started pushing water, water, water, and more water. Sunday evening things started to change so we decided on that we would try to get him back in on Monday for it. Well first diaper change on Monday was horribly bad. He had been sitting in his chair eating and started screaming, blood curling screams, I grabbed him and was trying to calm him down telling him "okay okay baby lets go see". I pulled back his diaper and there was BLOOD coming out. It was running like urine does but it was pure blood. Can we say freak out! I didn't know what to do. I was trying to get a hold of Rob from my cell phone while calling the doctors on the house phone. I ended up having to call one of Rob's co-workers, who than had to call his senior chief who than pulled Rob out of a meeting with the CMC. I than rushed Caleb to the urgent care center. We sat there for a little under two hours, before they said it would be a 4 hour wait and that we could get into the ped's department at 230pm. So we took him home, fed him lunch, and than went to the appt. The doctor was on and off the phone with the urologist at the big military hospital about 30-35 minutes away the whole time. They did a cath on him (oh it was horrible). The doctor who did that say he thought he could feel an obstruction. They were only able to get two drops out of him, which was very cloudy and told us most likely he has an infection. So we started oral antibiotics for that. He also has developed another infection on the outside of his penis..yes I said penis on here..from it (penis) rubbing on the cloth diapers. So he is on an ointment for that. Can we say potty training is about to start! He has to go see urology on Friday. We left the hospital, drove straight to pick up Silas from a friends house and headed to cub scouts. While there Silas starts running a fever. By the time we get home its at 103.6 ...really..thankfully Samuel didn't have anything wrong with him! He was perfectly fine after the motrin kicked in and has been doing great every since. Caleb is still crying every time he pee's.

So Samuel and Cub Scouts...He sold almost $700 worth of popcorn. He received a $30 wal-mart gift card, some sorta gun that launches disks, and a couple of patches. I'm very proud of that boy! He's as smart as can be, but so much fun! He is so much like me, but so much like Rob. He's a good mix of us. He is as fascinated with space, astronauts, and space shuttles, like I was. He loves everything history (both Rob and I both). He's a walking encyclopedia when it comes to World War II. He loves airplanes and jets...it just all fascinates him. He lights up when you start talking about that stuff. He has been asking us if he can do a world war II project over Christmas break..not a school assignment..he just wants to do it on his own. WOW thats when I wonder if he really belongs to us..and well the real answer is No. He really belongs to the Lord. We have just been given this amazing opportunity to be his parents here on earth. To be honest, a lot of the time I feel like a failure when it comes to that and I just pray for guidance. Cause Rob and I have definitely been blessed to have been chosen to the parents of 4 amazing boys! Whether it be for months, years, decades, or whatever..I am cherishing the time I have with them.

Life in Texas so far

so we've now been in texas for almost 9 months and here are a few things i've learned...
1--allergies here are horrible. we've been stationed in san diego, hampton roads area of virginia, northern chicago area and here...and NEVER have i had problems with allergies...until texas. the boys asthma is OUT OF CONTROL!! samuel who has never had to go to the emergency room for asthma has been to one here 2 times already. jeez!!

2--being on an air force base is so way different than being on a navy base. first off i am having to learn new lingo..well thats to be expected and i am in no way complaining about it. navy (and the other non-air force branches) are excluded in some cool things the air force offers--doesnt matter that this is a joint forces base or not (and i don't care what other people say this stuff would never happen on a navy base--the being excluded stuff that is).

3---it's hot here! its humid here! it's like a mix of arizona and florida..weird!

4--i have made some amazing friends here. i've always hated that i don't have a best friend. but than last night that it dawned on me that i have a best friend for every location we've been stationed at and each time in my life (a)as a child, (b)middle school and most of high school,
(c) most of my older teen years and first few years of the 20's, (d) in Virginia early on, (e)when I was pregnant with Jacob and first few months of his life, when Jacob went into the hospital and later died, (f) after Jacob died, (g)than back to san diego, (h) thanto great lakes, (i)back to san diego we went, and (j) now here in texas! most of these ladies i still keep in touch with, some i don't. but they have all been there for me for a certain time in my life and i for them. i am blessed because of them! all of the little things and big things that have made me who i am today is due in part to them---their love, encouragement, advice, friendship, and wisdom! i hope they all know who they are! so back to why this pertains to texas-- i thought for a minute that i lost my best friend here and i didn't know why..but oh my gosh i was so sad and heartbroken over it. so glad we are good!! i don't know how i'd manage the next 2 1/2 years without her in it. if she ever reads my blog she'll know that i'm talking about her!! :)

5--this duty station rob is at works way more hours than they did on the ship. now i know that when you go to a shore command that does not mean that the active duty member will be home more often no its just means they aren't going to be on a ship. with the exception of rob being underway ...he works way more hours here than he did on the ship. sometimes its hard cause its it seems as if he should be able to be at home more help with the boys, do stuff with us cause he is just a mile away from our house..but its really not the case.

i'll have to continue this post on things i've learned so far here in texas later..time to hang out with some friends and eat some good food!

What a horrible week..but my trust is still in our Lord

It actually hasn't been a horrible week but a horrible time since Oct. 5th. I woke up that morning around 2:30 am and I mean WIDE AWAKE. Couldn't go back to sleep or anything. Really felt like I needed to get in his word and do some praying. I didn't know what or whom I felt like I was called to pray for...but just felt like I needed to. so I did just that....prayed. I finally fell back asleep around 430am. The alarm went off just an hour later and so began my day. Took the boys to school, Caleb to my friend's house and off I went to school. Went to my math class. I than had a 2 hour break before my next class. About an hour into the break I decided to text my friend Hallie, who had one of her quad boys admitted to the hospital for something the day before. I asked her how everything had gone through the night and her response was "he died". I immediately started to cry..how could this be. This little baby who I'd just held, this baby that she and her husband had prayed for, that hundreds of people had prayed for, that was such a miracle he was doing wonderfully despite being born at just 27 weeks with this little body that of a 24-25 weeker, he had only been home from the NICU 2 weeks...how could he be gone??? than I realized that he died the same way Jacob had died and baby Drew had died. That was just to much for me to handle and than I really broke down. How could God let another baby go to heaven? And I know fully that isn't the way it exactly happens, but when your heart hurts that way it sure does feel that way.
I sat through my next class in such a daze.. I don't remember to much about it.
I had to leave the next day for Arizona for my step-mom's wedding (my father passed away 3 years ago and she was getting re-married). I sat on the plane in a daze and cried probably 1/2 way through the flight. That night I called Rob from the house we were staying in, balling my eyes out. There were too many similarities between Brock's death and Jacob's death and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be there for Hallie, but in a way I felt like I couldn't. I was re-living Jacob's death. Everything about it felt like it was Jacob dying again, but my arms have been empty of his sweet body for 8 years. Through the years I have felt the pain over and over again when friends have lost their babies...but NOTHING like this time. I can't even begin to tell you how the pain of this was identical to Jacob's....It really was as though he had just died again.

This past Saturday there was a memorial here for Baby Brock. I asked the family if I could coordinate a reception afterwards for it. They said yes. I was able to coordinate two groups here that I am a member of ...Lackland Enlisted Spouses Club and MOPs to have their members bring food. I did the decorations. I printed a bunch of Baby Brocks' photos and photos of his brothers. We framed them and put them on the tables as centerpieces. I than made place card setting style cards, stamped them and wrote in several Bible verses that my friend, Michelle compiled for me. The verses we used are :

And we all know that in things,
God works for the good of those
that love him who have been called
according to his purpose
Romans 8:28

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

I can do everything through him who gives
me strength.
Philippians 4:13

And the peace of God which transcends all
understanding will guard your hearts and
minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7

Have I not commanded you, Be strong and courageous,
do not be terrified; do not be discouraged
for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

For the wages of sin is death, but the
gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you.
I do give to you what the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

Jesus replied, ‘ Love the Lord your God with all your heart your heart,
with all your soul, and with all your mind.
Matt. 22:37

and lastly John 3:16--For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall have everlasting life.

It was a beautiful memorial for such a sweet baby.

So here we are on Tuesday and I find myself feeling like I did the days after Jacob died. I wonder if Hallie feels the same the way. I hate that I feel this way when this is her loss and not mine. Well actually it's the worlds loss- cause he was something amazing. I love her words at the end of her post, or somewhere in her post... "I am still blessed times 4" Cause its so very true--she is and always will be blessed by her 4 boys...cause if I'm still blessed by my 4boys (although with my oldest its the memories of him that is a blessing to me now) than she surely is as well. My hope and prayer for her is that somehow the memories of her 4 months with him will be enough to sustain all the days of her lives!! On days I am sure it won't seem as if it's enough and I pray that its on those days that the Lord will comfort her and hold her in His hands.

I am enjoying my life here with my boys and I am going to continue because I truly believe with 100% of my heart, mind, and soul that the life we live here on earth no matter how long it is ..is nothing compared to our time in eternity. 80-90 years here with my boys will be nothing in comparison to eternity in heaven. I will be re-united with Jacob one day, I know..so while Samuel, Silas, and Caleb are here..I will love them, smile at them, tickle them, guide them, and teach them..they deserve that mom. Not a mom is down because part of heart was taken away. I choose to remember that this life here on earth is temporary. We are all apart of a greater plan and even though sometimes that greater plan hurts us..that too is temporary. Only the Lord knows our pain, He is the only one that can make us whole and carry us through our pain...and He does just that! I am so thankful to be called His child!

For Today

here it is 9:05pm, Taps was just played, and I am thinking about my life. I sometimes wonder if this is it...all my life is...don't get me wrong- I love my life, well most of the time I love my life. I've got 3 healthy growing boys, I have an angel. I am a proud wife of a Sailor and I am happy to say we've been married for almost 11 years now, we've lived all over the United States. I've got a lot to be thankful for and I am very thankful, even grateful for the life I've been given.

I am bored out of mind tonight, which is weird seeing as how there are a million things in the house I could be doing...putting away the loads upon loads of laundry, mopping the floor (for the third time this week), washing dishes, dealing with paperwork, working on the extra room to get it turned into Samuel's bedroom, taking the craft stuff out of that room and putting it in my room, and a million other projects that need to be worked on, but here I am sitting outside on the back porch listening to the silence and enjoying the 90 temperature outside. It's very calming and relaxing, even very peaceful...I LOVE IT!! It's a great way to end a day that has been going going going.

We went to story time at the library here on base for the first time...it was well lets just say interesting...lots of kids, lots of talking, just lots of everything. Than after that I had a doctors appt for some pain I've been having where my c-section scar is. Bad news it looks like I'm going to end up in surgery...for either a hernia, adhesions from the scar, or another c-section...yep you heard that last little part right..c-section. However the doctor hasn't called me so I am guessing the pregnancy test came back negative...or so I hope...or do I...part of me hopes it's negative I mean afterall I did get my tubes tied, however there is a part of me that would be happy. but my goodness have you met my boys...they drive me up the wall how in the world could I ever handle another one...oy gets my head spinning just thinking about it. Whats funny about that possibility is that Rob and I were just discussing this all last night about how now is about the time I normally get pregnant again...you know when the youngest is between 18 and 20 months (Caleb is 19 months old now). I think it's because thats the point where it dawns on me that they are no longer babies. what brought it up last night was I was holding Caleb and he was throwing a temper tantrum about something and it just dawned on me...he's not a bitty baby anymore...he's a toddler, growing up way to fast on me..like they all do. I've tried to hold him back a little, I think all that has done is made him more and more comfortable sleeping in my bed, nursing longer, and getting babied longer by his brothers (oh okay and me)! He gives his brothers this little pouty look and they GIVE in to him every single time...jeez yes it works on me also! He's spoiled...if baby's can be spoiled. so thats how the whole conversation came up yesterday anyway...Caleb throwing a temper tantrum. so here's my thinking...we are working hard at paying off bills (well kinda stalled for a bit till Rob's pay is fixed again) and saving money (to pay cash for the next vehicles and to buy a house in Virginia [hopefully]) well than I would like to maybe consider adoption again. There are so many children out there that need good families...even crazy families like us! hmmm something to ponder about...guess only time will tell! so there's my ranting for the evening....

thankful for...blessed because of...
my computer...so I can write whats onmy mind. keep in touch with friends and family faster...share pictures on...find coupons....do research...spend more money on...play games on...watch shuttle launches from...

Count Your Blessings

I am copying this from Home With the Boys, which is a great blog btw!! So everyday I am going to try to come here to my blog and write a blessing that I have been given. Some may sound silly, but to me It's somethiing I am grateful for. And by no means is the order I list them...the order that they actually represent to me.... so for the BIG


1. Father's Day--it is a day that we celebrate the men in our lives...whether they're are fathers, dads, like dads to us, our husbands, uncles, grandfathers, friends, OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, the men we only know through others...it is the day we celebrate the great fathers. To me these men are the ones who have taught me valuable lessons, show unconditional love, are great romodels for my boys, love my boys, and so many other things. I have been blessed with some great men in my life...my dad, Mardas Jennings. I gotta say it seemed like he was pretty hard on us as kids, but he loved me and was trying to teach us life lessons. my husband, Robert Lesch...gosh he loves our boys. to watch the way he wrestles with them and every night how he reads to them in bed-- love it!! Joe Burdick-- a family friend. He is my friends dad...was so much like a dad to me. Mark Mick--- wow he's been in my life for as long as I can remember...I don't remember there ever being a time without him in it.. He, too, has been there for everything...all my birthdays, graduation, engagement party, wedding, death of Jacob, Navy bootcamp graduation, birthday parties of my kids, and holidays...outside of my dad he's been there the most!
Terry Shephard--he means so much to me...he was there for us in the most difficult time of our lives...Jacob's death. He and his family were at the hospital that night with us, took us to his house after we left the hospital, and was (along with his wife, daughter, and son in law) just there for us. They invited us to their house for holidays since we were away from our family and were just so alone that first year. JD Skeen..my grandpa...I miss that man!! David Mikels--he's only been in our lives for a couple of years now, but we've grown to love him. He has "adopted" us as family, loves our kids as if they were his own grandkids, has given great advice. to be completely honest here..it was hard in the beginning to let him in to our family, but we did and I am so glad we did. Can't imagine our lives without him now! Steve Lesch--cause he is a great father-in-law and a great example for my husband! Cecil Skeen- my father... As most of you know this is a harder topic for me. Let's just leave it for now...as I was blessed by him. There are so so many more men that I admire in my life..so I'll just name a few (not all so please don't get your feelings hurt if your name is mentioned), but I am not going to write down why... Darren Johnson, Jeff Evans, Jeff Gustafson, Mike Larson, and so many more!!

More Family Updates

So a couple of days ago I posted a few posts and some pictures. so now let me update on the family...these boys of mine..these wild boys...these crazy boys...these super cute blessings of mine!!

Caleb just had his 18 month well baby appt at 19 months old. He now weighs just over 22lbs and is 34 inches. He still has a big head! He isn't talking yet, but we are working with speech therapy for that. He is all over the place, climbs up everything, goes under anything he can...he is super silly...and makes the greatest faces.

Silas...he's got attitude...he loves to play in the water. he loves swimming. he loves to attack our neighbor, Bill, with the water hose. He loves to play at the park. He loves to sleep in and stay up late. I think he will be our child that will keep us up all night as a teenager.


Samuel-- yes I said Samuel. he doesn't want to be called Sammy anymore. Makes me kinda sad..he's growing up so fast. He is now done with 1st grade and finished with mostly A's and a couple of B's. We still don't know if he tested into the gifted program. I was just excited as can be that his teacher thought he was a good candidate for the program. Guess his kindergarten teacher, Mrs. LaBorie knew what she was talking about all along! I knew I liked her!
Samuel just finished up with t-ball. This was his last season playing t-ball and if he wants to continue playing he will now be in baseball.

These boys sure are growing up fast! Hard to keep up with them.

Rob and I are loving Texas and we are all spending lots of family time together.

Plans for summer vacation:

camping
swimming
fishing
movies
bowling
summer reading programs
riding bikes
flying kites
crafts
baking
bowling
swimming
road trips

Yes I know I posted swimming and bowling twice...but thats cause we do a lot of that!


So come back often to see pictures of what we are doing and where we are going...

Guess I should also do a kiddo update...

Sammy had just bowled a spare! He was so excited.



Silas playing a game at the Navy Family Fun Fair



Swimming in the backyard








Sammy @ t-ball. He was playing catcher!! I was a proud mama!!

Things You Shouldn't Ever say to a Grieving Mother and Things you Should Always Remember

Things to Not Ever Say to a Grieving Mother:

1. you can always have another baby... ummm hello yes cause it's the same thing as getting a new dog when your old one gets hit by a car... NO!! So what if I can have another baby (and you don't know if they actually can have another baby) that baby will NEVER replace the baby I lost.

2. Well at least you had them for xxx (days, months, years, minutes)...what's your point?? It was never long enough, the time I had will never be long enough.

3.I know how you feel, I lost (insert mom, dad, cousin, grandparent and worst of all dog's name in here). Granted I've never lost a sibling, my mom is still here, my husband is still here...but there is no loss comparable to a child. Especially DONT COMPARE YOUR LOSING YOUR DOG TO ME LOSING MY CHILD!!

So those are just a few of the things people have said that have made me want to rip their hearts out of their body and stomp on them.

Now onto things I wish people would remember...

1. I want my son acknowledged. He was here dammit, please don't even begin to think that by not mentioning him will make me not as sad or not put me in anymore pain. It hurts me more when you don't mention him. Jeez folks-- I've had 4 boys, not 3! 4 boys although one isn't here anymore I have had 4 boys.

2. It hurts and it will ALWAYS HURT that he isn't here. Time isn't going to make that go away. Honestly for me sometimes it hurts worse because of how much time has gone by since I held him last.

3. I am NOT the same person.

4. When you fail to mention Jacob or pretend he never existed you HURT ME more than you'll ever know!

He Gives and Takes Away

I don't even know how to begin this new post...I know all about how God gives and takes away and I also know that my heart will ALWAYS chose to stay! This week I cried my eyes out for a friend whose baby went to be in the arms of the Lord before my friend ever got to hold her baby in her arms. I also rejoiced this week with a friend who delivered 4 brand new baby boys. They are born 13 weeks early, but are doing well. How is it that our heart can be breaking and rejoicing at the same time? I hurt so much for my friend as I know the pain of knowing that there will never be a tomorrow or a today on this side of heaven with the baby you wanted, dreamed of, hoped for, and above all else... LOVED!! I don't mean that word in a past tense...because the love of a parent goes past all time, it is forever..no matter where the child is, no matter where you are, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how long they were here or weren't here....that LOVE IS FOREVER!! I sometimes wish I could see things from God's perspective. I still wonder to this day why Jacob died. Why couldn't he stay? My heart was shattered into a million pieces in a split second seven and a half years ago. Even the birth of Samuel, Silas, and Caleb couldn't put (in Humpty Dumpty language) all the pieces back together again. It's as close as it will ever be...but there will forever be a hole there, forever be fractures in the pieces that were pieced back together. It hurts - the pain has never gone away. I think it's become more manageable and it's pain that on most days is dull compared to the first year...BUT there are those days when it hurts just as much as it did the second they came out and told me he was gone. Like I said earlier-- I just don't understand!!
I have said a million times over -- and I'll continue to say it--- I have NOT gotten this far on my own. It was NEVER me and it was ALWAYS the LORD!! I couldn't have done it, I am not this strong, I am weak! It is HIS STRENGTH that has carried me each and every single day.

Please continue to keep my friend and her family in your prayers as she and her family grieve, heal, continue to grieve, and continue to heal. Please also pray for my other friend for her boys to continue to grow, stay healthy, gain strength so that they may go home healthy and free from any long term issues. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers as well- when you lose a child it doesn't matter how long time goes by--it's is forever a healing process, we are forever grieving.

Still Sick

I don't know what's going on in the Lesch household, but frankly I'm OVER IT! We are constantly sick. We take our vitamins, we get fresh air, we drink water, we eat our veggies and fruit...I even eat honey on an almost daily basis--what is up??? I am thinking that it's about time that I order my friend, Mark Severance's book, Mother Nature's Healing Touch Therapies. You can order this book online at amazon. Just do a search for the title or under the author's name: Dr. Mark Severance. I just know I have to do something else cause this isn't good for any of us. God did create this amazing planet -- I am sure there are great healing remedy's in it!

I would like to start trying and giving reviews on items

So I am really up for trying out new things and giving reviews on them. However I wonder if I really want to with this blog and this is why-- I really wanted this blog to be about my life with these three wild boys, my Sailor husband, who is always trying to come up with some new (and generally expensive to do) adventure. Which brings us to his latest thing- building his own gun. WOW can we say nervous- cause thats how I'm feeling about this! I sometimes really wonder what goes through my husband's head- like when he said it was time to get Sammy and Silas their own bows.

so here's the question of the day should I start a new blog so that I can do reviews under that blog or should I just not to them at all? Oh what to do what to do. As I write this I am thinking that I should just not do them right now just cause we are still trying to get the last of the unpacking done, I've got some projects and crafts that I would like to do, and I am really enjoying not having stuff to do. I guess thats why having a blog is so great--is so I can write down what I'm thinking and hopefully that will help me figure it out--which in this case it did.

Oh by the way Happy 3:16 day!!

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever should believe in him should have everlasting life!

Attachment Parenting

i never realized that rob and i practiced attachment parenting. i didn't know that by allowing my baby to co-sleep (never intended to do this with my babies), breastfeeding, keeping them very close to me (holding them constantly or wearing them), not allowing them to cry to cry it out, and never putting them on a strict schedule, was considered attachment parenting. to me it seemed like the right way to do things. i know a lot of friends disagree with my way of parenting, but i also know a lot of my friends agree with what we do. i also know that there have been plenty of times when i just wish i could sleep in my bed without having a child in it or after 16 months of breastfeeding he would finally stop--but i wouldn't change it! i love being this close to my boys. i love that my boys are extremely attached to my husband and i. my boys are still outgoing, they are okay with being at other people's houses, they are okay with spending the night at friends and families homes...they still feel secure. so i think that rob and i have done a great job at raising (so far) kids who are very close to us, know that we love them, and yet feel secure when they are away from us! who knew that breastfeeding, co-sleeping, no schedules, and babywearing would make this momma so happy to have made the choices she did!

ERGO Baby Carriers

So I've got to say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my ERGO baby carrier that I bought just a month ago. We've gotten so much use out of it already. It worked wonders at the airport, doing laundry in an apartment complex (when you have to walk downstairs and carrying a laundry hamper), walking around Riverwalk in San Antonio. I wish I had been more into this babywearing stuff before having my last child. All I can do now is pass on this great, amazing, way of life-- the babywearing life! My little guy loves to be worn and it really makes life so much easier than having to cart around a stroller.
So my friend (new and haven't met in person, just have been following her blog) at Jewels & Treasures (click her button on right hand side of the page) is giving away an ERGO!!

Give-Aways

I've realized I have been missing out on some great give-aways. I am now getting with the program and jumping on this train. I have also decided I am going to start doing some reviews of new things that we buy and receive. Might as well share what I have found with all you- my friends and family!

So the give-away that I am hoping to win right at this moment is being given away by Crazy 4 Fluff, is a Doopsy insert. This is great for you cloth diapering mama's!! You can follow her blog and check out the give away for yourself at www.crazy4fluff.blogspot.com/20011/03/doopsy-review-giveaway.html

Go check it out!!

Pictures From the Past (mentioned in an earlier post)

As I mentioned in earlier post, I had found pictures of Jacob, that I hadn't seen in a while. I just wanted to share those, since I had promised so long ago.
This is one of my favorite pictures of him. Smiling and sitting as content as can be in his carseat.

This was Jacob's baptism. He was baptized on Rob's ship, USS MASON, by Chaplain Powers.


Jacob's first time in his highchair and he was eating some bananas. He LOVED them!

His birthday. They had just put the second clamp on his umbilical cord, getting it ready for Rob to cut it. March 17, 2003 11:03am. 7lbs 12.5 oz and 22 in tall.

Enjoy!