Update...(sad and good)

At 6:45 pm last night Baby Anna Joy joined Jacob in heaven. She started having uncontrollable seizures and her right lung was still collapsed. Her parents had to make the decision after being informed medically speaking there was nothing left for them to do and they didn't think she would ever survive. Please lift up her parents, Matt and Alissa, in prayer.

How my heart breaks for any parent that ever has to decide to take their child off of life support. While a part of me is jealous because that does mean they can hold their child one last time and love on them, they still have to choose that. I am glad we didn't have to make that decision with Jacob, because I'm not sure I could have. I am jealous that we didn't get to hold him again. The last time I held him, I was running into the ER with him in my arms. We didn't get to say goodbye. We didn't get to tell him one last time how much we loved him, how much he meant to us, and that we would miss him more than words could ever say. I didn't get to kiss him goodbye. The way he died and how fast he died took so much away from me. It kills me a little on the inside that I didn't get to hold him when he was born (I had a c-section for those you who didn't know) and I didn't hold him till he was 5 hours old and than I didn't even get to hold him nor be in the room when he left my world.

So okay lets get back to some stuff that will make the tears dry up that I have running down my face..
For 12 hours my friend Theresa and I, baked, baked, and baked cookies...536 to be exact. The kids decorated them all. We used a homemade cookie dough recipes and made homemade frosting. We did it for about 4 hours yesterday and 8 hours today. One oven, 5 cookies sheets, tons of flour, sugar, vanilla extract, crisco, butter, milk, and eggs-- our backs were killing us from bending over to get things into and out of the oven. We are donating 150 cookies to the 30 students at Rob's command that are staying here for Christmas and the rest we are donating to the chapel as they are collecting them to give to airmen that are staying here as well. They need 1500 cookies. We cooked and are donating a little over 1/5 of the cookies they need. We had fun though..but I'll be good if I don't make another cookie for a year.

Caleb is now starting to talk. It's quite cute. He says "datty" (for daddy) and he can "mommy". He has about a 50 word vocabulary now. He is also starting to say some sentences.. "get this" "my puppy", "me bite" and you should hear him say "hey" its so darn cute!!

Samuel is as active as ever and is as smart as a whip. He loves learning about wars and is really into WWII. My dad will be so impressed when we see him in March with Samuel's knowledge of military history. It is hard to believe that Samuel is only 7 years old. You may have noticed me writing Samuel instead of Sammy. Well a few months ago Samuel informed us he no longer wanted to be called Sammy, he wanted to be called by his name..Samuel. So there it is.

Silas is something else. He is so into bull riding and being a "ride 'em cowboy". He wants to be one when he is an "dult" (adult). He loves to push him limits with us and oh you should see his temper tantrums..you'd better get out of the way when he's throwing one. He is doing well in school. First couple of months was a big adjustment though. You wanna know something crazy about the schools here..Silas is doing stuff in pre-k 4 that Samuel was doing in kindergarten and 1st grade in California. He is learning to sight read (next year he'll start learning how to read phonetically), he is learning how to do patterns, he is writing his name, knows almost all of the shapes, can count to 20 (at the end of kindergarten in San Diego they had to know how to count to 25, here they have to count to 30 by the end of pre-k 4).

I am totally blessed with my boys!! love them all to pieces and than some!

After 8 years

I used to think and believe that as time goes on, I wouldn't hurt so much for Jacob. But that last two years have truly made believe that no amount of time is gonna change how much I miss him, hurt that he is gone, and it doesn't change the amount of tears that I still shed. Today was especially true, when I found myself on my knees in my bathroom crying hysterically, crying out to the Lord. I know my God has a plan for my life and Jacob was/is a part of His plan as well, I sometimes wish I knew his plan and what Jacob's part was in it. I just miss that baby so much and wonder what he would like now ..he'd be almost 9 years old..gosh would he love legos like Samuel, would he be into all the cowboy stuff like Silas, would he be into sports, music, or chess. I sometimes feel bad for Samuel, who knows way to much about death than a 7 year old should..how he really feels about Jacob. Lately everywhere we go when someone always says "oh 3 boys you must have your hands full" (which by the way I am always told", Samuel says "no there's 4 boys, one is 8, but he's in heaven" and points up with his finger. I wonder if he's sad that his big brother isn't here. He wasn't born when Jacob died...but gosh Samuel is just different. Samuel never met Jacob, but he still has this bond with him. He talks about him, when he was little he used to talk to him. He asks questions all the time about him. It is something that makes me happy to know though..one day when Rob and I are gone, we know that Samuel will continue to keep Jacob's memory alive. Makes me one proud mama!

On to something so very important...there is this baby girl that I heard about through a friend of mine. My friend just happens to be best friends with this baby's aunt. This baby's name is Anna Joy. She is a week old and right now she is fighting for her life. She was born with a very serious heart defect and lung issues. She is on the ECMO machine right now. Her heart isn't beating on its own nor is she breathing on her own. The ECMO machine is doing both. She has already been through open heart surgery and a catherization surgery. Her little bitty chest is still open, so the doctors can get to it quickly if they need to. She needs prayers and she needs them now. Tomorrow they are going to take her off the ECMO to see if her lungs will work. You see they aren't sure whats wrong with the veins leaving her lungs. They aren't moving oxygenated blood out and therefore her lungs are filling up with fluid. Please pray that the last couple of days of rest she has had would have allowed her veins and lungs to get stronger. This baby needs the Lord's hand to touch her and heal her. Nothing short of that will save her. You all just read up above about how my heart is still broken, I don't ever want her mom to know this pain. I don't want any mom to ever know this pain. Please pray for Anna Joy! You can follow her parents blog about her at www.babyannajoy.blogspot.com

christmas is upon us!

I can't believe Christmas is just 10 days away..so much to still do..aghhhh! It's been a crazy week! This was my first week out of school and I had a mile long list of things to do this week and with one diaper change everything changed. Caleb has been having some issues when crying when he goes pee and some seriously strong ammonia smelling diapers. So last week we were concerned and saw a doctor about it. They did a urinalysis on it. The next day we received a call back saying it was all normal, except it was very concentrated and that we should pump more water into him, only water and milk and they would talk to us more at his well baby appt this week (its tomorrow). So we started pushing water, water, water, and more water. Sunday evening things started to change so we decided on that we would try to get him back in on Monday for it. Well first diaper change on Monday was horribly bad. He had been sitting in his chair eating and started screaming, blood curling screams, I grabbed him and was trying to calm him down telling him "okay okay baby lets go see". I pulled back his diaper and there was BLOOD coming out. It was running like urine does but it was pure blood. Can we say freak out! I didn't know what to do. I was trying to get a hold of Rob from my cell phone while calling the doctors on the house phone. I ended up having to call one of Rob's co-workers, who than had to call his senior chief who than pulled Rob out of a meeting with the CMC. I than rushed Caleb to the urgent care center. We sat there for a little under two hours, before they said it would be a 4 hour wait and that we could get into the ped's department at 230pm. So we took him home, fed him lunch, and than went to the appt. The doctor was on and off the phone with the urologist at the big military hospital about 30-35 minutes away the whole time. They did a cath on him (oh it was horrible). The doctor who did that say he thought he could feel an obstruction. They were only able to get two drops out of him, which was very cloudy and told us most likely he has an infection. So we started oral antibiotics for that. He also has developed another infection on the outside of his penis..yes I said penis on here..from it (penis) rubbing on the cloth diapers. So he is on an ointment for that. Can we say potty training is about to start! He has to go see urology on Friday. We left the hospital, drove straight to pick up Silas from a friends house and headed to cub scouts. While there Silas starts running a fever. By the time we get home its at 103.6 ...really..thankfully Samuel didn't have anything wrong with him! He was perfectly fine after the motrin kicked in and has been doing great every since. Caleb is still crying every time he pee's.

So Samuel and Cub Scouts...He sold almost $700 worth of popcorn. He received a $30 wal-mart gift card, some sorta gun that launches disks, and a couple of patches. I'm very proud of that boy! He's as smart as can be, but so much fun! He is so much like me, but so much like Rob. He's a good mix of us. He is as fascinated with space, astronauts, and space shuttles, like I was. He loves everything history (both Rob and I both). He's a walking encyclopedia when it comes to World War II. He loves airplanes and jets...it just all fascinates him. He lights up when you start talking about that stuff. He has been asking us if he can do a world war II project over Christmas break..not a school assignment..he just wants to do it on his own. WOW thats when I wonder if he really belongs to us..and well the real answer is No. He really belongs to the Lord. We have just been given this amazing opportunity to be his parents here on earth. To be honest, a lot of the time I feel like a failure when it comes to that and I just pray for guidance. Cause Rob and I have definitely been blessed to have been chosen to the parents of 4 amazing boys! Whether it be for months, years, decades, or whatever..I am cherishing the time I have with them.