What a horrible week..but my trust is still in our Lord

It actually hasn't been a horrible week but a horrible time since Oct. 5th. I woke up that morning around 2:30 am and I mean WIDE AWAKE. Couldn't go back to sleep or anything. Really felt like I needed to get in his word and do some praying. I didn't know what or whom I felt like I was called to pray for...but just felt like I needed to. so I did just that....prayed. I finally fell back asleep around 430am. The alarm went off just an hour later and so began my day. Took the boys to school, Caleb to my friend's house and off I went to school. Went to my math class. I than had a 2 hour break before my next class. About an hour into the break I decided to text my friend Hallie, who had one of her quad boys admitted to the hospital for something the day before. I asked her how everything had gone through the night and her response was "he died". I immediately started to cry..how could this be. This little baby who I'd just held, this baby that she and her husband had prayed for, that hundreds of people had prayed for, that was such a miracle he was doing wonderfully despite being born at just 27 weeks with this little body that of a 24-25 weeker, he had only been home from the NICU 2 weeks...how could he be gone??? than I realized that he died the same way Jacob had died and baby Drew had died. That was just to much for me to handle and than I really broke down. How could God let another baby go to heaven? And I know fully that isn't the way it exactly happens, but when your heart hurts that way it sure does feel that way.
I sat through my next class in such a daze.. I don't remember to much about it.
I had to leave the next day for Arizona for my step-mom's wedding (my father passed away 3 years ago and she was getting re-married). I sat on the plane in a daze and cried probably 1/2 way through the flight. That night I called Rob from the house we were staying in, balling my eyes out. There were too many similarities between Brock's death and Jacob's death and it was killing me on the inside. I wanted to be there for Hallie, but in a way I felt like I couldn't. I was re-living Jacob's death. Everything about it felt like it was Jacob dying again, but my arms have been empty of his sweet body for 8 years. Through the years I have felt the pain over and over again when friends have lost their babies...but NOTHING like this time. I can't even begin to tell you how the pain of this was identical to Jacob's....It really was as though he had just died again.

This past Saturday there was a memorial here for Baby Brock. I asked the family if I could coordinate a reception afterwards for it. They said yes. I was able to coordinate two groups here that I am a member of ...Lackland Enlisted Spouses Club and MOPs to have their members bring food. I did the decorations. I printed a bunch of Baby Brocks' photos and photos of his brothers. We framed them and put them on the tables as centerpieces. I than made place card setting style cards, stamped them and wrote in several Bible verses that my friend, Michelle compiled for me. The verses we used are :

And we all know that in things,
God works for the good of those
that love him who have been called
according to his purpose
Romans 8:28

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

I can do everything through him who gives
me strength.
Philippians 4:13

And the peace of God which transcends all
understanding will guard your hearts and
minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7

Have I not commanded you, Be strong and courageous,
do not be terrified; do not be discouraged
for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

For the wages of sin is death, but the
gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you.
I do give to you what the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

Jesus replied, ‘ Love the Lord your God with all your heart your heart,
with all your soul, and with all your mind.
Matt. 22:37

and lastly John 3:16--For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall have everlasting life.

It was a beautiful memorial for such a sweet baby.

So here we are on Tuesday and I find myself feeling like I did the days after Jacob died. I wonder if Hallie feels the same the way. I hate that I feel this way when this is her loss and not mine. Well actually it's the worlds loss- cause he was something amazing. I love her words at the end of her post, or somewhere in her post... "I am still blessed times 4" Cause its so very true--she is and always will be blessed by her 4 boys...cause if I'm still blessed by my 4boys (although with my oldest its the memories of him that is a blessing to me now) than she surely is as well. My hope and prayer for her is that somehow the memories of her 4 months with him will be enough to sustain all the days of her lives!! On days I am sure it won't seem as if it's enough and I pray that its on those days that the Lord will comfort her and hold her in His hands.

I am enjoying my life here with my boys and I am going to continue because I truly believe with 100% of my heart, mind, and soul that the life we live here on earth no matter how long it is ..is nothing compared to our time in eternity. 80-90 years here with my boys will be nothing in comparison to eternity in heaven. I will be re-united with Jacob one day, I know..so while Samuel, Silas, and Caleb are here..I will love them, smile at them, tickle them, guide them, and teach them..they deserve that mom. Not a mom is down because part of heart was taken away. I choose to remember that this life here on earth is temporary. We are all apart of a greater plan and even though sometimes that greater plan hurts us..that too is temporary. Only the Lord knows our pain, He is the only one that can make us whole and carry us through our pain...and He does just that! I am so thankful to be called His child!