God's Plan

i wish i could see God's plans! before jacob's death, i only knew one other family who had lost a child and that sweet baby went to be with the Lord just days before jacob. in the almost 7 years since jacob's death i have had 6 yes 6 other friends who have lost their children as well. 3 of those friends i have never met in person- i've met them online (and talked to them through emails and facebook) through other friends of mine. why??? why did my son have to leave soo soon? why do i have to know this pain? why do children get sick?
no parent should have to watch their child die.
no parent should have to make memorial arrangements for their child.
no parent should have to celebrate what would be their childs birthday at a grave site.
no parent should have to dread every wednesday or every september 24th.
no parent should have to decorate a grave site at halloween, easter, thanksgiving, & christmas
no parent should have to scream as they watch their child take their last breath
no parent should have to pick out the outfit their child will be laid to rest in.
no parent should have to figure out how to live again, breathe again, laugh again
no parent should have to endure the I'm sorry's, at least he's in peace, and all the the other
things people say even though they mean well


yet- parents go through this all the time. when did god ever tell us we wouldn't endure pain. when did god ever promise us that our children would outlive us. the thing is he never did. i need to remember this. god never promised me any amount of time with my children here on earth. i need to remember to keep my focus on him so one day i will be rewarded and i can once again be with jacob and also hold my other babies i never had the chance of meeting.

Biggest Loser

so i just decided to join my mom, david, christie, robin, and ashley in doing a biggest loser competition. its a twenty dollar buy in. hopefully that will motivate me a little bit more to get this weight off. i am so tired of being this heavy!! i hate not having energy and getting tired so fast - its a bummer when trying to play with the boys. i love to be active and go outdoors, but this weight has really made it hard and to be brutally honest- embarrassing! so here's to losing weight! bottoms up- water that is!!

4th of July Pics

Happy Birthday America!

O! say can you see by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner, O! long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

I Love finding Old Photos

well there not so old! Although I was excited the other day when I broke out my scrapbooking things after 5 years of being tucked away and I found pictures of Jacob. Brought back some memories, most of which brought tears to my eyes. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't cry looking over pictures. I still see him in my dreams, not a day goes by that I still don't think of him, I still long to see his smile, hear his laugh, and feel his kisses. I still long to hold my baby boy! I will forever be grateful for the time I had with him, forever be thankful that the Lord trusted me to hold him for the time I did, but I will be forever sad, hurt, and heartbroken that I only had him for a short six months.

I cant' wait to scan the pics and be able to share them all with you!
Hopefully that will happen today!

The Fair

the boys and I had so much fun at the fair! I loved going here as a kid and was so excited to take the boys this year! only wish Rob could have been there with us!



caleb and I waiting while the boys were on a ride.




sammy and silas on a helicopter ride! boys will be boys!


silas so excited after he came off of his first ride


sammy eating his pizza on a stick!