After 8 years

I used to think and believe that as time goes on, I wouldn't hurt so much for Jacob. But that last two years have truly made believe that no amount of time is gonna change how much I miss him, hurt that he is gone, and it doesn't change the amount of tears that I still shed. Today was especially true, when I found myself on my knees in my bathroom crying hysterically, crying out to the Lord. I know my God has a plan for my life and Jacob was/is a part of His plan as well, I sometimes wish I knew his plan and what Jacob's part was in it. I just miss that baby so much and wonder what he would like now ..he'd be almost 9 years old..gosh would he love legos like Samuel, would he be into all the cowboy stuff like Silas, would he be into sports, music, or chess. I sometimes feel bad for Samuel, who knows way to much about death than a 7 year old should..how he really feels about Jacob. Lately everywhere we go when someone always says "oh 3 boys you must have your hands full" (which by the way I am always told", Samuel says "no there's 4 boys, one is 8, but he's in heaven" and points up with his finger. I wonder if he's sad that his big brother isn't here. He wasn't born when Jacob died...but gosh Samuel is just different. Samuel never met Jacob, but he still has this bond with him. He talks about him, when he was little he used to talk to him. He asks questions all the time about him. It is something that makes me happy to know though..one day when Rob and I are gone, we know that Samuel will continue to keep Jacob's memory alive. Makes me one proud mama!

On to something so very important...there is this baby girl that I heard about through a friend of mine. My friend just happens to be best friends with this baby's aunt. This baby's name is Anna Joy. She is a week old and right now she is fighting for her life. She was born with a very serious heart defect and lung issues. She is on the ECMO machine right now. Her heart isn't beating on its own nor is she breathing on her own. The ECMO machine is doing both. She has already been through open heart surgery and a catherization surgery. Her little bitty chest is still open, so the doctors can get to it quickly if they need to. She needs prayers and she needs them now. Tomorrow they are going to take her off the ECMO to see if her lungs will work. You see they aren't sure whats wrong with the veins leaving her lungs. They aren't moving oxygenated blood out and therefore her lungs are filling up with fluid. Please pray that the last couple of days of rest she has had would have allowed her veins and lungs to get stronger. This baby needs the Lord's hand to touch her and heal her. Nothing short of that will save her. You all just read up above about how my heart is still broken, I don't ever want her mom to know this pain. I don't want any mom to ever know this pain. Please pray for Anna Joy! You can follow her parents blog about her at www.babyannajoy.blogspot.com